This letter was written by Mary McKenzie as part of the Spill It Mom Letter Collection. Are you interested in writing a letter for this collection? See here for all the details. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Mom On the Days You Chose To Stay With An Addict Mary is a single mom raising her beautiful children in BC. She has been on her own now for three years, after being with her partner for most of her adult life. This letter is written from her present day self, to herself years ago, during the time she was with her husband as he experienced addiction. Dear Mom on the Days You Chose To Stay with an Addict, I cannot pick one day. There are a series of days. They randomly pop into my mind. They are days when I faced a choice. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was standing at a crossroads. An opportunity for change would arise but I never took it. It sometimes tortures me. Why? - I ask myself - Why could you have not been better? During some of these moments, I was not a mother yet. I was only contemplating how motherhood could complete my life. I ignored the other areas that were lacking, that required attention. For some of them, I was a new mother. It was difficult. Things were not okay. I kept trying. I did not try to change. These moments come back to me, unbidden, sometimes randomly and always followed by Why? Or If only… Small reminders call them to mind: an advertisement for a spa that I attended once. As I received the pre-wedding pedicure, the esthetician told me a story of a client who cancelled the wedding as she didn’t feel right about it. It was eerie; I thought I knew that feeling. It felt like a sign that I ignored. Driving through a familiar neighbourhood recalls a midnight walk when I was nine months pregnant. I had been driven out by my spouse’s alcohol-fuelled, drug seeking behaviour. I would be shocked, devastated and disappointed each time promises were not kept. Once, after a particularly bad week where an all-night binge left him sick for days and I had an infant to look after as well as a job with no sick or leave time (and of course a rapidly escalating financial crisis) the stress became too much. An argument resulted, but I did not ask him to leave. I was alone with a baby in a strange city. Instead, I just hoped for change and for a time it seemed to come. Each time, I chose to stay in a relationship with a sick person. Each time, I chose what appeared to be a safe route. The changes I had to make seemed too big. Required too much courage; too much doing it alone. And then another baby came and there was too much to do alone. It’s okay. You were guided by fear. Not commendable behaviour. But that’s okay. You did not have formative experiences that validated your worth. You did not have good examples of how to live without being driven by fear. You knew pain and social alienation. These you were desperate to avoid. But now you’ve learned that there are different ways to live. Now you have learned how to live. This learning is a gift. Yes, your life is vastly different than you imagined it would be. Raising two children alone is one of the heaviest burdens. But this difficulty is matched by the value of this gift: knowing how to live, that it can be done, to look fear in the face and keep going. To hold fear in your heart and live courageously in spite of it. And here’s the kicker: you had to be there to get here. You had to be that person to become this better one. So accept yourself then as well as now. And be grateful for the opportunities that life presents; however, painful, they are always generous in learning. Feel the guilt and shame for being less than perfect and then let it go. Mom On Those Days, I leave you with this quote: “Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.” -Thich Nhat Hanh Much Love, Mary
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