Dear Mom on the Day You Became the Patient

​This letter was written by Erin O'Neill as part of the Spill It Mom Letter Collection. Are you interested in writing a letter for this collection? See here for all the details.

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Dear Mom on the Day You Became the Patient

By Erin O'Neill

Bright lights, white walls, lab coats, people staring, wild thoughts, pills and prescription pads are all I see. The thoughts return. . . check, clean, pills, traps, call exterminator, visions of fire, restrict, binge, purge, weigh myself and on and on and on. The cycle consumes me. I can barely breathe. . . the only relief is planning how I will eradicate these damn bugs. It has overtaken me.  

What is sleep? I can’t even remember. I haven’t slept in months and 24 hours a day my life revolves around these obsessions, compulsions, and destructive behaviours. I need to feel safe - to escape the infestation in my mind. I don’t belong here. Fear grips me and my body tenses. Pain sears through me and I cannot move. Pieces of me are everywhere. I lay fragmented, strewn and crumbled in a heap on the floor of the doctor’s office. What choice do I have? I submit to the care of others or I continue go deeper into the fire of OCD. I need help. I cannot escape the darkness that has become my existence.
 
Dear Mom on the Day You Became the Patient,

I can hear your thoughts. I feel your pain as if it were this very moment. I see the fire consuming you. You do not know how strong you are. The bravery in your call for help will begin a new journey of hope, restoration, and peace.  

The struggle is real. There will good and bad days. You will rise and fall. You will not always feel well. The thoughts will return. Fears will rise again and pursue you. The lies will attempt to drown the truth. Your insecurities will bleed into your soul.  

Therapy will be hard work. You will have to choose how you will respond to the thoughts in your mind. The arduous journey of going on medication will frustrate and send you into rages of anger and physical reactions you did not know existed. You will find the right combination and the thoughts will not consume every waking moment. Despite what people say, your decision will be your own and it is what you need. You will need to free yourself from others opinions and expectations. This is going to be a daily process from here on out- sometimes multiple times a day.  

You will begin to see yourself in a different way. You will learn to be kind to yourself with expectations. You will ask what is true, what is real, what is needed. You will learn that your imperfections are what make you unique and beautiful.  

A life changing decision will come at this time as well. Your husband`s job will take your family to England for two years. This is frightening but you will soon see how wonderful this will be for your healing. You are in your cocoon now, stable and safe.  

In August 2013 you begin your adventure along with your husband and children. With 10 suitcases you arrive with a 3 and 5 year old running circles around you. Exhausted and excited you are on your way.  
England will become like a dream. The architecture brings history to life and your heart will rejoice. Fields of sheep will become quiet places of reflection and healing. National Trust properties will be like quiet cathedrals where you hear God`s voice. Harmonies will flow from new friendships and experiences that strengthen your being. You will start to believe new and healthy truths. You are beautiful and strong. It is possible. You will begin to celebrate your gifts. Each role you play has a purpose- mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.  

The house you will live in is called Bluebell house. Some of the houses have names. I'm not sure why but you will be intrigued by this. As you enter into the back garden of the house you will see a wisteria bush. The first time you look at that tree there will be bouquets of black and orange mingled in with the wisteria. Butterflies are everywhere. Each butterfly has a different pattern of colour and shape. This is a moment of true beauty. You are going to break through your cocoon and like a butterfly emerge beautiful. Through the struggle you will change and find your voice again and will sing with a new freedom and confidence.  Sing dear one sing.

Love,
​
Erin  

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